i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
