Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
