I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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