he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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