Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We left the knife in your bed.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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