Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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