I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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