i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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