Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
