I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
