I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
