you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize