My room smells like vodka and shame
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm at about main and main street
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
