I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
