Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
