Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
