did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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