Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
