We're facebook friends in real life
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
