When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
