Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
