You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize