May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
