drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
