you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
