peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize