Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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