Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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