Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
