I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize