my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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