i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
