Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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