Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
