i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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