I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
