turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
