First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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