Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
