Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
