I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
