so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
