Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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