I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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