Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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