Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
