During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
