I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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