never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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