Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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