I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
