Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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