Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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