just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
well you can't waste a boner
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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