bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
