I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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