Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
