Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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