He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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