I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
