when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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