we have pet lesbian snakes
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
