So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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