Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I wish there were birth control emojis
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
