She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
