The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
