Can i not drive my cunt home
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
