for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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