Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he fucked my hip out of place.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
